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The Fitness Photo Shoot – Take 2 – The Pain Behind the Eyes

by Scott on May 18, 2014

I felt this story was best told in 2 different ways. In Take 2, I tell my story of the Pain Behind the Eyes.

Later that evening, after I had experienced My Last Moments with Mom, I thought to myself, “should I just call Linda and postpone the photo shoot?” I had been on an emotional roller coaster for 10 days now. I hadn’t slept, skipped training sessions and eaten like a trucker who had been on the road for weeks. I would have been easy to postpone and no one would have ever questioned it.

Through the entire preparation for the #fitnes...

Through the entire preparation for the #fitnessphotoshoot, it seemed like the world pushing and shoving me away from accomplishing my goal. I may have fallen over a few times but it just provided the opportunity to build more strength by pushing myself up off of the ground, dust myself off and keep going. #perseverance. via realscottweller

“No Scott,” I thought to myself. “Mom, would not want me to put something on hold that I have worked so hard for.”

I showed up to the studio 4 days after saying goodbye to my Mom. I was still feeling the hurricane of emotion, thrashing around inside of me but I was doing my best to hold it together.

I still don’t have a complete understanding of what caused me to show up that morning. I think I felt obligated to show that I was strong, that no one had to worry about me, that I was fine.

Here I was, realizing a dream I had held in my mind for over 10 years and holding the poses was difficult but not nearly as difficult as it was to hold back the eruption of emotion that was swirling around in my chest.

When I replay in my head, the 2 hours I spent in the studio that day, I remember seeing Linda and Melsha smile and get excited as they looked at the display on the camera. They would turn and show me the camera and I would be disappointed with what I saw. I remember saying to them, “I don’t like what I see. I haven’t been working out. I have been eating like Shit!” I was searching for any reason to justify what I saw.

I worked so damn hard for this. I know I didn’t eat as well as I could have. I know I could have trained harder but I have been through hell! Give me a break… It’s moments like this that remind me why I hate roller coasters!

I got dressed and thanked Melsha for being there with me. I thanked Linda for her warmth and sensitivity through the experience and then left to go pick out a suit to wear to my Mom’s funeral.

Fast forward a few weeks and I meet up with Linda so she can give me the pictures. Linda handed me an envelope with a USB drive in it and said, “Scott, I want you to do something. When you look at these, do not look at your physique first. Look at your eyes first. If there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that the camera never lies.”

“Thank you, Linda.”

I found it interesting that initially this was...

I found it interesting that initially this was my favorite photo of the bunch. It also happens to be the darkest. For an explanation, take a look at my blog post: http://therealscottweller.com/my-35-for-35/the-fitness-photo-shoot-take-2-the-pain-behind-the-eyes/ via realscottweller

When I got home and looked at the pictures, I immediately noticed exactly what Linda meant. The first thing I noticed was my eyes were saying so much. My eyes were saying, “I’m sad.” My eyes were saying, “I’m in pain.”

I have absolutely no regret that I decided to go ahead and do the photo shoot that day. If anything, I’m grateful that I did. It shows me, so clearly, that my thoughts that day “show that I was strong, that no one had to worry about me, that I was fine,” were so inaccurate.

No wonder I didn’t like what I saw when I looked at the display on the camera that day. I was looking through a lens of pain and sorrow.

Linda and I agreed that this is a great baseline. An opportunity to identify that I was not strong, that I wanted someone to worry about me, that I was not fine. With self awareness comes the opportunity to heal and grow.

Thank you Mr. Camera for telling me the pure, unaltered truth. But, just so you know, next time we meet, I’ll be ready for you!

Have you read The Fitness Photo Shoot Take 1 yet? It tells you all about the purpose behind the Fitness Photo Shoot – The Why

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