The Night My Life Went BOOM Part 2

The Night My Life Went BOOM was over but the fallout from that night carried on for weeks!

Christmas was a couple days away. Dinners, presents, lights, trees, kids, brothers, sisters, parents – all of it would be suffocating me soon. Oh GAWD! Please no! I just want to be by myself; I just want to be alone!

I don’t want to talk about it!

I want to scream at how unfair it is!

I just want her to come back!

No I don’t! I hate her! She did this to me intentionally! She’s a bitch! She’s evil! She’s horrible!

No she’s not… I am! I hate my life!  

If I was gone, would anyone even miss me? My life means nothing anyway.

I wonder how hard it is to get a gun. If I did get a gun, would I have the guts to follow through with it and pull the trigger?

FUUUUUUUUUCK!

Round and round the same thoughts chased each other around inside lane of the track in my mind.

It got so bad, that I got religious about it:

“God… Are you real? I know I believed in you once upon a time! If you’re there, if you’re listening, I only have one request! This pain is too much, so, tomorrow morning, when the sun rises, let it rise with one less set of eyes available to admire it. Please grant me my last breath as I close my eyes tonight. I can’t handle this pain, so, if you love me, if you are truly merciful grant me this one wish! Please remove me from this pain from me; I’m not strong enough!”

You’ve probably made the assumption that my prayer wasn’t answered considering that I am writing this. You’re right, my prayer wasn’t answered, at least in the form that I had anticipated. To be fair to him, I asked him to not allow me to wake again and I don’t think I actually fell asleep that night. Why you ask? Well, if you’ve ever had a broken heart, you know that one of the side effects is insomnia. But, I was also busy surfing Kijiji.

I don’t know why I went to Kijiji in the first place. I was probably just looking to take my mind off of everything else. But I came across an ad with a picture I will never forget.

PUREBRED BOXER PUPPIES – $800

For some reason, the pain wasn’t as strong anymore…

At this point I had been MIA for 3 or 4 days which included Christmas, so when I picked up the phone and called my Dad and said, “Hey, do you want to come with me to look at a puppy?” he didn’t even try to talk sense into me. I’m sure he was just happy to know I was alive.

The next morning, we walked into the house to meet this 5 week old puppy. He was sleeping underneath an old rocking chair.

“Go ahead and pick him up if you like.”

I reached down and picked him up. He fit into one hand as he slowly opened his droopy eyelids and yawned. I pulled his conehead in close to the right side of my neck and he began to lick my chin…

God acts in mysterious ways…. Instantly my broken heart was whole again!

“I think I’ll name him Jax!”