I got a text message that read:
“Mom’s taken a turn for the worse.”
That afternoon I went to go see with my own eyes, what the “turn for the worse” actually looked like.
It hadn’t even been a week since the last time I saw Mom. How bad could it have gotten in that short of a time? I’m sure it’s not that bad…
It was!
I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I’m doing to which I reply, “Pretty well overall. I’m interested to see how the Firsts go though. The first Christmas, first Mothers Day…” Today happens to be the first of those firsts…. Exactly 1 month later, to the day, of when we said goodbye, it happens to be my birthday. And today is not easy. In fact, harder than I expected. But I will celebrate today. Every moment that the day has to offer because I know that’s exactly what you would want to see. via realscottweller
I walked into her hospital room and I barely recognized the face of the woman I knew for every moment of my life. Her face was swollen, her body was just skin and bones.
She would wake up every so often, complaining of the pain and eventually led to wails of agony. “Make it stop! Please make it stop!” There’s nothing that fills you with a sense of powerlessness than watching someone you care about suffer, and knowing that there is nothing you can do to stop it.
My brother and sisters decided now was the time to set up a schedule to have someone watch over her. “Coincidentally” I had already taken the coming week off of work as vacation time. So, I raised my hand and said I would take the morning shifts to be there with her.
Monday morning came and I was at her side by about 6:00am. She was resting peacefully. The hospital staff had figured out the pain medication to keep her comfortable. She would wake up every 3-4 hours, look uncomfortable for a moment but soon fall back to sleep. We had a couple exchanges throughout the day but it seemed for every word she could muster the energy to force it out, it would exhaust her twice as much.
My sister came and took over for me at around 1:00pm. I went home, feeling a little scrambled emotionally. That uneasy feeling carried into that evening as I tried to get some sleep. I was unsettled all night. I tried to fall asleep in bed but couldn’t. I moved to the couch, no luck there either. I did not sleep a single minute that night.
When I drove to the hospital on the morning of April 8, 2014, I should not have been driving. I got to the hospital safely but in a daze! I walked into Mom’s room and the nurse’s were administering her pain medications for that morning. “Let us know if you need anything,” the nurse said as she walked out of the room, closing the door behind them.
Mom’s eyes were open. I walked over to the side of her bed, and she looked at me. A storm of emotion immediately started to swirl around in my stomach, moving up into my chest. My eyes started to water and then pour. My nose started running and my whole body started to shake.
“Mom… I am so sorry! I’m so sorry it took me until now to drop everything, every wall, every brick that made those walls. I am so sorry…”
I leaned onto her bed with my chest, reached up and placed my hands around her and wept uncontrollably. I just let it out. The more I cried, the more I could feel the storm crashing around inside of me.
I looked up, into her eyes, and could see that she was trying to say something. At this point, she had a hard time pushing a single word out through the effects of the morphine.
“What is it, Mom?”
I tried to finish her sentence for her a few times without success.
“Mom, don’t push it. Just rest. Just take it easy.”
I pulled out my phone to text my brother and sisters. That message read:
“Today is the day. You should get down here.”
Mom, was still looking at me. She hadn’t yet given up on what she was trying to tell me. And then:
“Scott,” she forced out.
“Yes Mom?”
She struggled through her now very noticeably laboured breath, “I forgive you.”
The moment my head and heart had processed what she had just said, the tears started streaming more intensely than I ever remember experiencing. But as the tears intensified, the storm inside me began to subside. Almost as if the storm was escaping through my tears.
I laid there beside Mom for the next hour or so, until my brother and sisters showed up. Mom passed at around 1:40pm on April 8, 2014.
I often talk about not believing in coincidence; that everything happens for a reason. I needed to be broken down and exhausted to have that last moment between just me and Mom. Even though I think I’m still processing the loss of my Mother, it’s that last moment with Mom that has given me peace.
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