How the Hell Did I Get Here?

I’m up 17 floors, overlooking the beautiful view of downtown Calgary. I’m suppose to be listening to the discussion around the boardroom, but my mind can’t help but wander. I can’t help but caress the leather armrests and think, “Damn… How the hell did i get here?”

Don’t misinterpret me here, I’m not complaining; I’m celebrating!

It wasn’t that long ago:

I was so stubborn that I refused to wear a winter coat – Winter coats weren’t “cool” enough (please forgive the pun). In those days hoodies were the only things I would wear so, like most nights, I found myself shivering so bad my teeth were chattering.

The smell of exhaust blasted me in the face with every passing vehicle. “I Wish I could harness all of those fumes and lock myself in a garage with them!”

My cheeks and forehead are starting to burn – a sure sign that frostbite is starting to set in. “I’ll walk backwards. That will give my face a break from the wind.” I turn and notice the path my footsteps made in the freshly fallen snow. They looked like I thought there was a sniper in the distance and I was trying to throw him off!

“A gun! That’s it! If I had a gun, would I have the balls to go through with it?”

My toes were starting to curl under my feet, trying to steal heat from the rest of my foot. “I have to take a break!”

As soon as that last thought finished running through my mind, I experienced a Hollywood moment.

The wind stopped blowing. The snow stopped falling. The traffic all around disappeared while a bridge almost magically appeared. Without hesitation I moved towards the icy handrail.

I pulled my sleeve down to protect my hand, placed it on the handrail to support my weight while my left leg lifted up and over. My right leg joined the left on the other side of the handrail.

I don’t feel nervous or anxious. My shivering has stopped; I’m eerily calm and comfortable. My arms begin to extend and my elbows are locked. I wish I could share the image with you. That image was burned into my memory even though I had consumed enough alcohol that evening to knock over a nfl lineman. The view was beautiful! This bridge overlooked a ravine and the view looked like a magical winter wonderland – the perfect last view!

“Ok, this is it! On the count of 3, I’ll let go and all the pain and suffering will be over! 1…… 2….. and…”

Just as I was about to release my grip, the thought crept into my mind, breaking the calmness, “Damn… How the hell did I get here?”

Now, obviously I climbed back over that handrail and continued with the cold trek home but I think about that evening regularly. The memory of that evening reminds me to to stop regularly, recognize my accomplishments and, in a very different and celebratory tone, ask myself, “Damn… How the hell did I get here?”