Dear Monster in My Closet

Dear Monster in My Closet,

I forgot about you for a long time. Or so I thought I had. It’s strange how when you have enough hindsight, how you can see just how much something affects you even when it lives so deep below the surface.

I don’t remember your name. I don’t even remember what you look like. Yet you’ve left a huge impact on my life. Do you remember me? Do you remember what I look like? Let me refresh your memory.

I was the kid from around the corner who befriended your son when he had a hard time making friends. I was the short blonde kid with the innocent smile who used to meet your son at the park and play in the trees, fly kites and watch movies in your basement. Remember me now? Good! We have some unfinished business!

I don’t remember when it happened for the first time but I know that it continued beyond that first time. Even now, when I close my eyes almost 30 years later, I can feel the confusion in that young boys mind. “This is strange… my Dad has never done this to me! Is this just something they do in their family? This feels so weird…”

You must have been able to hear my thoughts because you knew exactly what to say, “Don’t worry! Relax, I do this with my boy all the time. It helps you to grow up to be a man.”

Well let me tell you, now that I am a man, I didn’t need that at all. It didn’t make me a man at all. If you wanted to teach me about manhood, you could have shared some tips and tricks about how to shave. Or tell me about the “wrong” girls so I avoided getting my heart broken. Instead, you thought the best thing for me was to touch me in a way that would scar me for years!

Do you have any idea what that did to that 7 year old boy? No? Well that makes 2 of us! I blacked it out for years. I didn’t even remember it happened until I was well into my 20’s. I think back to my relationships over the years and the struggles I seemed to never work through… No, I’m not pinning all of it on you, but you definitely contributed to it!

I think back to how hard I found it to go to my family, especially my parents, when I needed support or just someone to talk to. This secret caused me to build walls all around me, even with those I was closest to. I never wanted this deep dark secret to see the light of day!

Do you have the feeling in your stomach? Are you shaking at all? Are you worried about what your family will think if I tell them? Are you scared? Welcome to my hell that I’ve lived in since I last saw you!

Are you wondering what I’m going to do? What do you think I’m going to do? What do you think I want?

Revenge? Not in my nature. Beat the shit out of you? Wrong again.

An apology? Not why I’m writing this letter to you either.

The reason I’m writing this letter to you, after all of these years, after all this pain, after all this suffering, is to say 2 things:

I forgive you!

I’m done judging you for what you did to me. I’m not going to be a prisoner of your demons any longer! Your demons are not for me; they’re yours to deal with. I’m letting go, I won’t carry them with me. They are not mine to have. They are yours.

and;

Thank you!

Without all this pain, without all this suffering I wouldn’t be who and what I am right now! I came to the realization that what you did to me was wrong but it also allowed me to grow into who I am.

You gave me an experience, no matter how horrific and I would never wish upon anyone else, it was an experience that will fuel me forward, propelling me toward the unlimited potential that awaits me.

What you did to me may have caused issues with my past relationships and caused me to draw myself away from my family, but, it will also act as a source, fueling me to help hundreds of others. Maybe thousands or maybe even more.

Just you wait.. just you watch me! You’ve created a monster!

Sincerely,

Scott